There are countless reasons, to me, for the above - music continues to be the most compelling arcanum arcanorum, and remains at the top of my list.
I compose very little. I just completed a Suite for two unaccompanied violins, and have sent it off to an accomplished and eminent violinist in Europe, who has played and recorded a handful of works written just for him. Other than these works for the violin, I compose only for my students.
I do not feel comfortable when I do write - I have never thought of myself as a composer, which in and of itself is a mystery to me. And yet these pieces have been recorded and performed. Upon sitting down and engaging myself in the first moments of the process, I find myself veritably an "outsider" who in reality should not be making an attempt at committing to manuscript.
But, invariably, once I make contact with the paper in front of me, I find that I have entered a kind of "bubble" containing a sort of atmosphere that somehow yields to me answers that only seconds before were simply not in any form of existence. And as long as some force permits me to sit there ( I do not decide the time), this process continues. When the time, somehow, decides to end, I get up from the chair, and become someone else; namely, me. Those notes I look down at on the table are strangely alien.
And these kinds of days continue until the piece being worked upon is finished.
And, invariably, I undergo the same reaction - "did I write this? Were these notes written by ME??"
I have no connection with the Occult. I do not and cannot connect myself with ANY aspect of this life I have no interest in or knowledge of.
And yet; months, YEARS after that occasional composition that comes from my hand, I find myself asking "DID I write that piece? I'm simply not the same person sitting inside of that "bubble."
Above all, I find myself, upon going over these works, occasionally, commenting on the logic and direction that this music contains, WITHOUT commenting that it's good. THAT I cannot know.
And tomorrow I will face my greatest mystery once again - while shaving...